Some Days Are Harder Than Others

One of my good friends from college, Kathie, told me way back when, that this blog would be a good way to not only inspire others, but also to read all the struggles I went through, but undoubtedly overcame.   So I decided to share the bad with the good, in case it helps anyone to know they are not alone. 

 

This week, has been one of the most emotional weeks I've ever had to deal with since I started this new journey. While I wanted to be happy about all my accomplishments this week, those happy moments were overshadowed by a lot of difficult emotional days, some even made worse by shockingly harsh, untrue and mean accusations made about me.  

Many days I just wanted to resort back to comfort food or crawl into bed and just forget everything.  Not to mention, several nights were I just cried myself to sleep.  But as much as my little devil tried to convince me that crying would eliminate extra water weight and sodium, my little angel said it really wouldn't solve anything, and worse yet, could just be the same trigger that slowly leads back to my old self-sabotage ways.  

I'm sure many of you deal with all sorts of emotional days.  My week consisted of everything from worrying about a close family's mother, who had breast cancer surgery, minor anxiety over an annual physical (including on going pain from the tetanus shot),  some minor anxiety over work issues, then eye opening realization that some people just weren't the supportive loving people they claimed to be, and accused me of being someone I wasn't.  But the hardest was feeling completely devastated and heartbroken that someone even closer to me, not only started to believe what these others were saying, but also didn't stand up and defend me, as I would have done for them had the roles been reversed.     

In the past when moments like this happened, my little devil would just help me withdraw and hide from the world until I felt like getting out and dealing with life again.   Sometimes only a day, sometimes longer.   I didn't stay locked up in my house, but I pretty much just went through the motions of each day pretending to be OK, so no one knew on the inside, I was sobbing uncontrollably.  My little devil would convince me this was normal, as it was just a way to heal myself and be stronger later.    It didn't help that back then, my little angel would just silently go along with this thinking too.  But I know now, that its not healthy to withdraw.  Even better, I've learned that reaching out for help, even if it just having a shoulder to cry on or vent my frustrations, helps so much more!  It clears my mind and put things back into prespective so I can get back on track with my goals sooner.   Unfortunately, it just took a little bit longer this week.

As I already mentioned, I didn't make it through this week without shedding some tears, and even gave in to some of my little devil's influences.   But that's exactly why I've decided to post this entry.  I have good days and bad days, but I'm learning now how not to let the bad days control my destiny forever anymore.   So hopefully writing about it helps anyone else who struggles with emotional eating or just emotional challenges that get in the way of acheiving our life long goals. 

This week, I managed to eat healthy, but I didn't exercise like I should have. Course, there were days I just didn't feel well because of my allergy migraines and possible tetanus shot side affects.   But now that the week is done and over, my little angel is disappointed with allowing my little devil to have so much more influence over my exercising this week.   Due to meetings being scheduled during my lunch hours, working out during them was not possible.  My little angel would remind me that I could work out after work or even come in earlier in the morning.  I even allowed my not feeling well to justify not going to walk with my mom.  When all and all, exercise might have been the little energy boost that I needed to lift my spirits.   My little angel even tried reminding me about how my Health Coach told me to  get a library card and check out exercise DVDs for free there. 

So earlier this week, I looked up where my library was and what I needed to have with me to get my library card.   Current utility bill - check!  Photo ID with current address - check!   As luck would have it, I just received my ComEd bill and it was in my train bag.   Must be a sign!  

After work, I drove to the library & stood in line waiting to get my new library card.   As I stood there, I noticed all the DVD's around and couldn't wait to see what exercise videos they would have for me.  They even seemed to have a fundraiser going on, which included purchasing various gift baskets, some of which, I could tell had DVDs, but not sure which ones.   I made a little mental note to check those out after I got my card.   

Soon it was my turn.  Like a giddy school girl, I proudly presented my bill and ID and announced that I was there to get a library card.   The librarian was very pleasant and eager to help.   She matched up my bill and ID and said it was good that they matched and were in Frankfort.   But then she asked if I was North of Delany/Steger Rd.   My giddy school girl's heart dropped as I told her no, I was just South of there.   She politely apologized and said I wasn't in their library district, I was in PEOTONE's!!!!  I would have to go get my card from them, but they would allow me to check out materials from their library once I had my card.   The librarian even went and got me a map so I would know where the Peotone Library was.   As I left, I allowed my little devil to just convince me to go home and left Bailey out.  I hadn't been home yet, and he had already been waiting, so I would do it another day.  Course, now, here I am on Sunday, and I still don't have a library card.   But I'm making a promise to my little angel that I will absolutely be getting a library card this week.  No more excuses!

 

Also, to further motivate myself, I made a little purchase to remind myself of my end-of-September goal.   Not only did I commit to losing 24 pounds, but I had a clothing size goal too.   Last week, I was happily excited when I tried on a pair of jeans in the back of my closet that were just one size away from my goal.  Being able to drop one more size in 3 weeks was definitely possible. Fortunately this week, I was still able to maintain my healthy eating habits.  So when I put on the same jeans from last week today, I did do another little happy dance, as they are already starting to feel looser in some spots.   My little angel told me if I committed to exercising again and add a little more weight training, there should be no reason why I can't be in my goal size before I leave for my work conference to San Antonio on Sept 30th.    To help keep that goal in my mind, my little angel also convinced me to check out the jeans at Walmart.   Yes - Walmart.  My budget right now doesn't include a lot of frivolous spending, but as luck would have it, there was one pair left in my goal size on the clearance rack.   My little angel took that as a sign that this little $9 investment was just what I needed to get me over this emotional hump.   In the past, I probably spent $9 easy on emotional foods like ice cream, candy and other sugary foods, so it was not only OK, but a much better way to spend the money.   These are now hanging on my bedroom door as a reminder every day what my goal is and also as a reminder not to let my little devil and other non-supportive people to deter me from my goals.  

 

My other inspiration to keep me on track with my goal, is something my Dad told me years ago.  Strangely enough, I was just sharing this with another friend, who is going through some really difficult changing times in his life.  He was feeling down because he too, wasn't getting the support from those who he thought would always be there for him too.   As I was sharing my Dad's simple, but oh so true advice, my little angel reminded me that I needed this reminder this week too.    So in case it helps anyone else, here is one of the best pieces of advice my Dad ever gave me:

 

"Stop living your life and making decisions to make others happy or to gain their approval.  Those who really care and support you really only want to see you happy.  Start living your life and making decisions that make you happy, don't make them to make someone else happy.   Once they see you are truly happy, they will be happy for you and leave you alone.   If they aren't happy for you then, they were never supportive or caring, and never would be.  But it won't matter, because you will already be happy and won't feel the need for their approval anymore anyways." 

 

I can't undo my choices from last week.  But I can learn from them, and with the help of my Dad's heartfelt advice, my little angel and all the great wonderful people out there, who continue to support and care for me, I feel confident and happy again.  So thank you all.  

I hope writing about my struggles this week still helps those of you who are struggling like me, to continue on and not give up.  Having ups and downs brought on my life's emotional curve balls, is all about every day life.   Even if we do allow them to influence in a bad way at first, we can't give up.   Just like the saying goes, get back up in the saddle and keep going after your goal.  

 

Thank you all once again for helping me get through a really tough week.   I love you all!!!